Snoskred - Life in the Country

Is it possible to have the best week in ages and yet still be moving house? The week did not start out quite as we imagined, we discovered that these places have been refurbished, they’re not new, they were lived in before and the state of the appliances leaves a LOT to be desired. As usual, clicking on the image will get you a bigger photo. In fact I’m not cooking in that filthy oven. I refuse. Either the landlord replaces the oven, cooktop and rangehood - all of which are filthy and the cooktop is actually rusted or we will just replace them ourselves. We didn’t spot it on inspection because the electricity was off, it’s dark in that kitchen without the lights on, it said *clearly* in the advertisements that these were brand new, and we made the mistake of assuming that meant the appliances would be brand new as well. Note to self, remember that rule about never assuming? We did feel a bit like we’d been lied to, though. However that has been the only cloud on our horizon this week, other than real actual clouds, which there’s been a few of as well as some rain and neither of us mind real clouds or rain, so that’s ok. We’ve contacted the real estate agent and asked them to let the landlord know we’re not happy with the appliances and we’d like him to replace them or reduce the rent. I’m not going to let it bother me because either way they are being replaced. We’ve never used the oven in this house because the first time we turned it on, the smell! Ugh! You’ll note I put pictures from my hour long beach walk on Thursday in between the above. This is meant to demonstrate how appliances are of little importance in the face of so much beach beauty. Yes, I walked for an hour, after spending an hour vacuuming and cleaning the new place, then I went home and packed more stuff before returning to the new house with the other half, to carry potplants upstairs to our balcony. I would have been walking on the beach every day, but I have been getting more than enough exercise packing, moving boxes, and carrying heavy things up the stairs. The beach walk on Thursday was actually a reward for myself for all the hard work I’ve been doing over the past couple of weeks but soon enough it will be a daily event, rain or shine.. There’s a reason they have stair climbers in gyms. I have missed stairs while we’ve lived in two houses without them. Carrying heavy potplants upstairs was surprisingly fun for me as well as being great exercise. That sounds like I have gone completely round the twist, but I have found every small thing I do is one step closer to being moved in and ready to start new things - a new business, a new lifestyle, and much cookery. I’m excited and getting stuff done fast! The ute ended up being pushed into a table we had in the garage quite by accident. My parents came to visit and I asked my Dad to back the ute in so I could close the door, but he thought it would be better to push it. I was told to pull the handbrake when they said to. Unfortunately it didn’t do anything like.. well. braking. The ute kept going and there was a crash. There you can see some of the glass left on the table. I would have taken pics of the ute but odd people are having a party next door and I was a bit.. freaked out. So, I just have the above for now. The pool table successfully made its way up the stairs on Monday. As you see. Below is a photo looking back towards the kitchen from near to the balcony door. I have one other thing to mention in this update. Below is a screenshot of my desktop as it looks now, today. The cluttering up as mentioned in this post - Snoskred Is Getting Organised - Are You? - is a thing of the past and this new system is so simple and so easy that I don’t even have to work at it. It magically happens all on its own.
If you are like me and want to get your desktop organised, I have to recommend the article that started it all for me - How to Keep your Desktop Organized (without getting insane) - if you take the time to put the system in place, and learn how to use it believe me this will work for you too. I am stunned by how well it has worked for me.

This is NOT a sponsored post, but I feel the need to share the following information with you. It is possible that you may hate cereal as much as I always had until I tried this new cereal from Weight Watchers. Please note, I know nothing about Weight Watchers or their points system. I hated cereal all my life, I was never a breakfast person. I have only recently started eating it because it is supposed to be more healthy and I could do with a bit more fibre in my diet. I have been so surprised by this cereal. There is something so wrong about it. This cereal should be everything I hate. When I saw it on the shelf I thought yuck, I’m going to hate eating that. There were other cereals there, ones with lots of sugar and general badness. Even one with chocolate chips! But I chose the Weight Watchers fruit and fibre cereal even though I knew I probably wouldn’t like it based on the fibre content. I thought - it’s only one bowl a day, I can survive it. However, it’s brilliant, so I’m sharing cos that’s the kind of blogger I am. Normally on cereal I need at least one spoonful of sugar to make it palatable. This WW cereal, I don’t need to add anything except milk. The fruit that is in it makes it sweeter than normal cereals I’ve eaten. The first day I ate it, I did add sugar as I usually do and it made it way too sweet. All I can say is, they must have some absolute geniuses over at Weight Watchers if they can take a cereal which contains everything I should hate and turn it into something I absolutely love, that I look forward to eating in the morning - and have even eaten a couple of times INSTEAD of a bowl of potato chips while watching tv in the evenings. I’m not lying, truly! If you’re in Australia you should give this cereal a go.

The fruit is soooo nice. I love it. I’m not a fan of dried fruit usually but when you add the milk to it I find it softens nicely. They say it contains 34% fruit. You can’t get a spoonful of this cereal without at least one piece of fruit on it so I believe they are right.

I needed my cereal this morning, because we spent all day moving stuff. I’m completely exhausted and only here to post this before I shower and collapse into bed. We did manage to get the pool table upstairs, so that was fantastic. I met a neighbour and their dog before we’d finished unpacking the first ute load. People are very friendly there. I’m looking forward to that.

I also found out they have Tai Chi within a very short walk, so I might be signing up for that. Half the art/dining box room is now empty, we got a lot done today and now we can take it easy for the rest of the week. I have packed the entire kitchen, only leaving out a few bowls for cereal eating.

Sometime within the next day or so, I will hit 50,000 visits here at the blog. Yay! With only 2 days before we pick up the keys this coming Monday, most of the packing is done. I really only have the kitchen which is half done and our walk in wardrobe left to do, which I can mostly finish before we pick up the keys. It didn’t seem to take as long as I was expecting, and I’ve had time to do other things this week as well which I do appreciate - and some of you might too, because I’ve been commenting when I’ve had the chance. Above is how my bookshelves look now. I can’t bear to pack my Aromatherapy stuff until the last minute, and I’ve been burning oils and incense every day this week. Click any of these pics for a slightly bigger image. This is how my desk currently looks. It’s a lot messier than I like and I can’t wait to get into the new place with new ways of organising things like pens and stationery - I have plans for how I’m going to do it. Above you see my daily checklist, which I have been sticking to and finding really helpful especially in the midst of apparent chaos. I’ve been trying to do the reply to comments daily this week and I’d have to go back and check but I believe I have achieved it the next day after a post is posted. I used to find I’d put that job off and tend to do it twice a week or so. If it doesn’t get done the tick doesn’t get put there until it does get done, to remind me. The Art/Dining room was the first room we completely emptied, and we have now filled it with packed boxes and furniture ready to be moved. Here is a view of the art/dining room from another angle and you can see my favourite cabinet, the tall red one with glass. I think this was the best bargain we ever bought, it was just over $100AUD at an import clearance of furniture from Bali. There’s a smaller one which matches it, which we had bought in a different state at least a year before, you can see it in the previous photo under the lightning picture. We were lucky to find these! This is a photo of the kitchen/pool table room. The pool table is the first thing to be moved, it is costing us an absolute fortune because it has to go upstairs. Please cross your fingers that they can actually manage to get it up the stairs. You can also see our outdoor setting, which all needs washing off before we move it, and the lanterns in the gardens are ours as well, they’re going to need a good spray with spider spray. At our new place, we are “borrowing” my parents water feature because they can’t use it where they are now. It’ll look great on our balcony. Here you can see my packing area. This is where anything glass, ceramic, or generally breakable gets packed. This is the other part of the packing station and let us state for the record, I am a genius. It was my idea to put sticky tape on the clothes horse like this. It saves you time and a lot of grief from trying to wrap something and then cut tape. This is many of my sentimental much loved knick knacks, which take a lot of time and effort to pack. The ceramic castle I made myself, when I used to do ceramics as a hobby - I also did that lovely green candlestick holder, which is going to have pride of place on my dining table - which will be used for *dining* in the new place *shock* *boggle* *awe* rather than art. The dragon you can see the back of with the big copper wings, The Other Half did that himself at Ceramics. We used to do it together once a week. No, it’s not girly! It’s creative art! Nothing you see here cost over $10AUD. I love collecting glass and you can probably tell blue glass is my favourite. The tall red and black thing is actually fortune telling sticks which my parents brought back from Japan many years ago. I love them. Some of these items, though inexpensive, are my most treasured things. Another empty room, Yay! A not so empty room - this is The Other Half’s office. He is refusing to pack it till the last minute. Can you tell this is somewhat.. annoying to me? I mean sure, leave the computer there, but the little stuff which he’s not going to use, surely he can pack?

Today three potential tenants toured this house, including a family with two kids, said kids were amazing. The younger one was wearing a superman outfit and he was getting excited about each room of the house. They mentioned they would be putting in an application and I am very hopeful they are the ones to get it.

Thanks to all my regular readers for hanging in there with me during this time of upheaval and chaos, but I am hopeful it’s going to be worth it in the end - for me because I’ll be walking every day and attempting a healthier lifestyle - and some menu planning, and for you because you’ll get a lot more beautiful photos, and more community orientated kinds of tales. I do intend to become involved in the community down there, getting out and meeting new people and being a part of things. I may even begin selling my art at the markets from time to time.

So, it’s not much longer now. I will be around a bit during the week but there will be at least one day I will be at the new house cleaning for most of the day.

We’re moving! YAY! My to do list has 15 things on it which aren’t related to blogging, so more as soon as I have time. I’m just completely overjoyed. The other night when we drove to our soon to be new town, we saw one kangaroo, one fox and then two bunny rabbits on someone’s front lawn in the main street. Then we drove past our new place and all was quiet.

Peace. 10 minutes walk to the beach. Daily beach walks. Dolphins playing within my view. Taking the camera with me so I can grab photos for ya’all. Living in a community. All about 3 weeks away.

Don’t ya’all worry, I am pre-blogging like there is no tomorrow. At worst you’ll still be getting a thought a day but most days you’ll have at least one post from me too. I may not be commenting as much as usual, I hope you’ll forgive me for that.

Long time readers of this blog will recall that I used to go to work and in that workplace there were some.. hmm.. how shall we put this.. people who didn’t treat me too nicely. Which was odd, given I was the Boss’s Daughter. I mean that’s a pretty bad career move, one would have thought. But for those who haven’t been long time readers, here’s a bit of history so you can understand Karma in action.. this post will be long, my apologies in advance.

One staff member who I nicknamed Birdsnest NEVER spoke to me - no hello in the morning, no conversation during the day, no goodbye at night. That would not have bothered me, had it not been combined with a few other factors -

- That whenever my Dad left the store she and several of the other staff would congregate around a desk, chat with each other, and ignore the customers. I was forced to watch customers walk out without being served and I could do nothing about it.

- That she washed her hair once a week and on the days in between she would not even brush it, she would just put it into a pony tail. Can you say skanky? It looked bad but it smelt even worse when you got up close - cigarette smoke mainly but sometimes with a hint of I don’t even want to know what. When you’re serving customers personal hygiene is a *little* bit important.

- That she was running several at home businesses (catalogs, party plans) and that she would use the phones at work to call her customers and on occasion she would get them to come and pick up the goods from in the shop - an absolute no-no and against her terms of employment.

- That she would deliberately steal sales from the other staff members. There’s a simple rule - if a customer walks in and says “I saw (staff member) and I want to buy one of these” you write the sale up in the name of (staff member). If the customer comes in and says “I was in speaking to (staff member) but I’d like more info” and you spend a significant amount of time with them, its now your sale. Birdsnest was the only member of staff who never followed this rule - and the other staff often would not know she had stolen their sales.

- That one of the staff’s husband went away for an overseas tour of duty, and that girl began hanging around with Birdsnest, going out at night, partying - and soon she stopped speaking to me entirely unless it was necessary. Which did not go down well with me - we’d got along fine previously and I hadn’t done anything to deserve that (which she has admitted since).

- That she befriended one of the very young and impressionable girls who worked in the shop and started taking her out partying at night - and that girl soon stopped speaking to me also, previously we had got along very well. I could see a pattern here.

- That my parents and I would argue about *all* of the above, and they would tell me to let it go off my back like water off a duck and not pay any attention to it. Much easier said than done.

Now I’m not going to pretend like I was a perfect person during all of this. If she were writing this, I’m sure she would come up with a list of things that I did wrong and it would have a lot more things on it than what I’m about to say I did wrong, I’m sure.

- When I realized she was not going to speak to me, my attitude towards her could be called frosty at best, disapproving at worst. I had no respect for her, a 40 year old woman with two kids who acted like a teenager and a spoilt brat.

- When she did things wrong, I marked it down on my mental note card, and you can bet I brought all those things out during the arguments with my parents. I allowed these things to add up to the point that had she suddenly decided to treat me nicely, I would not have been able to return that niceness.

- I was not the only person who was upset by the ignoring customers etc, and when other staff complained to me about it, I cut them off and encouraged them to speak to the boss and tell them how it made them feel - I made it clear I was not there to pass their messages about being upset on to the boss for them however these all got added to my mental notecard as well and brought out - I should not have done that.

- Once, in a post I called her a skanky ho here on the blog, but two weeks later after THREE weeks of those braids not being washed and absolutely feeling sick to the stomach from the stench of three weeks worth of cigarette smoke - you cannot imagine the smell and everywhere in the store I went I could smell it, she was finally called into the office and TOLD to wash her hair before returning to work.. She complained about this in front of me and when she walked away I called her a skanky ho to other people - not to her face. She’d pushed me to my limit that day. I honestly would have preferred to say it to her face, but my parents would have deaded me. The message did get back to her, though.

The whole episode came to a fiery blowup in September when the younger girl who she had befriended hung around a rep that was in the store all day ignoring the other customers in order to get some sales from the rep and there was this big blowup over a sale she stole from one of the other girls - and I did not stop myself from saying what I really thought when she came to me looking for sympathy. All I said was “If it were your sale, your name would be on the invoice”. But it was enough to cause her to have a major meltdown.

After that I stuck it out for a little bit longer, before fizzling out to a quiet end in October last year - a quiet end which I never blogged about, but one day it all just got to be too much, and when the other half and I came home at lunch time I simply could not stop the tears, and decided I never wanted to go back. This resulted in the other half calling my parents to tell them I wasn’t coming back and he needed a bit of time but he’d be back later that day.

Within minutes the parents turned up here, there was a quite unpleasant confrontation where they kept telling me I should just let it go off my back like water off a duck, again, and I kept saying it wasn’t fair to ask me to do that and they should sort things out within the store. In the end they decided the best thing to do for the time being was for me to stay home and for them to help us out financially in order to do that - which they have done, they pay our rent.

Really I have never been happy with this outcome - I enjoyed my job, and I felt like they should have stood up for me because all I was doing was going to work and trying to do my job in quite unpleasant circumstances. To add insult to serious injury my mother keeps asking me “Do you think you’ll get a job”. When she does that I have to firmly hold onto my temper and try not to remind her that I had a perfectly good one, it’s just that the employers were stupid.

On the other hand, it has enabled me to do a lot of things I really wanted to do, like read more blogs, comment on blogs, and work on my own blog. I really have no desire to go back to work anytime soon, and am considering my own starting a business options - if we move where I want to live I have a few pretty good ideas.. we’ll see.

So finally Karma has caught up with Birdsnest - as it always inevitably does. If you have doubted that Karma is real and that it exists doubt no more. But also be aware that I get all of this third hand, so I’m not 100% sure on the details of some parts of this.

After I left the workplace Birdsnest has been quite nasty to the other half - he’s still had to go to work and deal with her. For months now he and several other staff members have been hoping, wishing and possibly quietly praying that she would leave.

Birdsnest met a new man who lived about an hours drive away from here. After a couple of weeks she moved in with him. I will not comment! Driving between there and here, she was caught doing over 120kms in a 80km section of road. When they told me which section of road I honestly believe she is lucky she was not in a major car accident - it’s a curvy windy stretch of road where 80 is possibly too fast for most cars.

Not long after that, she was in a serious car accident where she ran the BMW of the new man into the rear end of the car in front of her - what caused this? She was looking at a wedding dress in a shop window and didn’t see the car in front had stopped. The car was apparently not able to be repaired. I’m sure this did not go down well - especially as it was a company car.

I’m not sure what the laws are here but I suspect she didn’t just get charged with speeding for the first incident. I would suggest she may have been charged with reckless driving and that is why she had to attend court. She’s been thinking for the last few weeks that she would be able to charm them into allowing her to keep her license - and she failed. They took her license away, for how long I’m not certain. So today she had to resign because she will no longer be able to drive to work.

Me, I forgot about her for the most part after leaving work. I didn’t have to deal with her and out of sight, out of mind. But there were some days when the other half came home angry or upset about things she’d done and I know the other staff have still had issues with her. My mother has been quietly angry with her since I left but has had to tolerate her and pretend to be nice - something my mother is excellent at. The other half said he and my parents had trouble hiding their happiness at the news she is leaving.

Upon hearing this news, I felt pretty much nothing for the most part - if I had to put a word to it I would call it content. I have no wish to gloat - though the thought of dropping in and congratulating her on losing her license did cross my mind momentarily -but I feel very happy for the staff and I really am hopeful this will mark the beginning of a more positive workplace for all of them.

I have a very good friend who likes to wallow in - well, various things. The dark hole of depression, feeling sorry for yourself, mediocrity.. the comfort zone of sabotaging yourself and setting yourself up for failure, receiving all kinds of good advice, nodding and smiling and never taking any of it.

Now I’m a very supportive friend, but there comes a time when between two good friends you have to be honest with each other, and that time came eight months ago. I spoke to this person honestly - and politely - here’s what you need to do to get yourself out of this hole. I know how to get out of these holes, having been in them myself many times.

So, I then shut up and let them get to work - at the end of the conversation I said I wouldn’t bring it up but if they wanted to chat about it they could always raise the topic. Of course, they never did. A couple of months later this person was feeling sorry for themselves again and told me so, and a pattern began to appear. I’d say all the right things - here’s how to get out of this hole. They would nod and smile and promise faithfully that they would try it. A month or two later, it would happen again. The last couple of times, I haven’t been quite so polite about it. In fact I told them they needed to get off their rear end and get to work and I pointed out this pattern which I saw clearly.

Then just a couple of hours ago this person arrived on my Skype and from the moment they said hello I knew the deal - they were down and feeling sorry for themselves, and they were waiting for me to do my usual there there, here’s how to fix it, pump you up with positives, you can do it, ra ra.

There comes a time in any relationship where you have to draw a line. You have to let go. I’ve been propping you up for far too long now. I know you can do it. I can’t do it for you. Nobody can do it for you. I can make positive changes in my own life, and I do it regularly. But I CANNOT WAVE A MAGIC WAND AND FIX YOU - though you know I would if I could. It takes hard work, and you have to do the majority of it yourself.

The major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get. - Jim Rohn

I’m a huge goal setter. I’ve spoken before about my depression and the combat strategies I used, some of them were goals that I set for myself. I set goals all the time - even silly stuff like playing a game on my computer - I’ll want to get to a certain score or achievement before I quit the game.

This past couple of weeks, I have set myself a really unusual goal - to drink more water. I mentioned an article I had read in one of my weekly wrap ups and said I was implementing this change - 9 Great Reasons to Drink Water, and How to Form the Water Habit - but what I did not mention is.. I dislike water. I always have. I would prefer to drink soft drinks, coffee or fruit juice. I used to drink one can of real Coke each day with my main meal but there came a time when I really didn’t feel like it, so I would drink fruit juice instead. Before I read that article, I had begun to substitute water every third day, instead of Coke or fruit juice, mainly because the meal I was having didn’t go with either of those drinks.

So with a goal like this, it helps to break it down. The guy who wrote the article (Leo Babauta) actually did that for me - thanks! - by saying - “Best is to form a routine: drink a glass when you wake up, a glass with each meal, a glass in between meals, and be sure to drink before, during and after exercise.” This is my new religion. I have these plastic cups which hold 250ml (just over 8oz) and a chart where I gleefully tick off each cup I drink. I’m up to 8 a day. A huge change from one every 3 days.

Can you believe that after just two weeks, I would rather reach for water than anything else?

So what I know is, anything I want to achieve, I can set a goal, break that down into smaller chunks, and then set out to achieve it. If I can do it, anyone can. Me who is not very good at self discipline and who isn’t the most organised person in the world.

Sometimes it seems easier to stay in your comfort zone, to keep sabotaging yourself to stay there. The fear of the unknown, the fear of what comes next. It is no different to jumping out of a plane for the first time - except you’re basically jumping out of the plane for the first time over and over, heading towards a bigger unknown than you have ever faced before. Yes, it is scary. It can be terrifying. Who will I be without my depression? At the moment that is what defines you. That’s all you know. You’re gripping on to the doors of that plane so tight your knuckles are white.

You have to let go and jump out of that plane.. or else you will stay in that hole of depression forever, and I can’t be your friend if that’s where you want to be. You see, I dug my way out of that hole with my fingernails. When my nails were all gone, I didn’t stop digging. I used my fingertips. I was so desperate to get out of there my fingers were bloody nubs by the time I managed to climb out of there - but I made it. I’m baffled that you *want* to stay there. I can’t imagine why you would want to. It’s a horrible place to be.

If you’re willing to get out, I’ll help you. I’ll do everything I can. Except keep going round in circles like this, it is pointless and useless. I’m not going to keep enabling you to feel better every now and then - I want to enable you to feel better all the time.

Have you ever heard the Meatloaf song “I’ll do anything for love but I won’t do that”? So many people speculate about what the thing he won’t do is. The thing I won’t do is allow myself to be dragged back to that hole and pushed / pulled into it - not by *anyone* - because I know how hard it was to get out of there, how much it cost me, how much effort it took every day. I said in a previous post about depression -

Normal people who have never been depressed will not understand the effort required to do just simple every day tasks when you’re down. Just to get up out of bed and have a shower seems like something impossible. The effort involved, to me it always seemed like someone had tied weights to my arms and legs, and it was difficult to move them. Probably most people who have been down will understand that.

I’m not going back there. It’s not until you get out of there that you realize how bad it was. Please, my friend, *please* let go of thinking your dark damp hole of depression is where you should stay. It’s either that, or let go of me, because you’re dragging me to a place I WILL NOT go.

I got a phone call about 2:30pm. I was actually in the middle of a West Wing episode at the time. The caller said “10 Minutes” and I hung up the phone and raced off to get ready because I knew what that meant. 10 minutes later, my Dad pulled into the driveway for the last time in his old car. Well, not like old, it was only 3 years old. But today was the day it was going back to the dealer, never to be “ours” again.

During the time he had it I had only driven it twice and both times broke speed limits but fortunately for me did not get caught. It was a Ford XR8, and it had the power. That’s why I didn’t drive it more often, because it could have tempted me into being a very bad individual while driving on the back roads. Or any road, really.

Saying goodbye to a car is not an easy thing. The Other Half and I have recently talked about the possibility of saying goodbye to our car, and that car has been many places with us. The side mirror is a very good friend of mine. We’ve only driven 50,000kms in it, over three years, but when I close my eyes I can see images of many travels from the perspective of looking out my side mirror. I feel like I’d want to keep that part of the car. I know that sounds utterly insane.

However, saying hello to a new car is a very easy thing. This new car is *beautiful*. It truly is a work of art. It’s sitting in Dad’s garage as I type this. It is very low to the ground, and the car dealer said to us that it’s inevitable that the front of the body kit will scrape and get cracked. The old one on the XR8 did. He’s got a guy who fixes it easily if you want it fixed, but he figures it’s a fact of life, live with it.

That is the one thing holding me back from saying to the other half yes, let’s get the new car. The person I was when we first got our car wasn’t the nicest of people. I get pretty angry over anyone careless enough to even look at it the wrong way, let alone go near enough to it to scratch it. When they really damaged our side door as I wrote about here (my side door, so each time I get in the car I am reminded) the more I think about it, the more I realize I probably would have really damaged that person who left the dent in my door if I had turned up when they were doing it. It still manages to fill me with such a rage. I’m not sure I’m meant to be such an angry person.

In other news, today is the first day of the school holidays, and please can everyone pray for rain for the next 2 weeks so those people across the road won’t interrupt my peace. This afternoon the kids across the road started up with a soccer ball on the road in front of my house and I have just realized, it’s two weeks of school holidays with them constantly out there making noise, and I’m still stuck in this house. I had hoped we would have moved by now.

The idea of watching one West Wing each day was dead in the water on day one, as the first episode meant the second had to be watched, and the second definitely meant the third had to be watched. I was in the middle of Episode 3, and I’m going to finish it now, and then off to bed.

It’s 1:30am and my mind is wide awake. The other half went to bed quite a while ago now, and I don’t want to go in and read till I’m tired because it will wake him up. Much of this post won’t make a lot of sense. It’s ok, I just need to get it out.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life, but the one that keeps annoying me today is why did I place my faith in other people when I should probably have struck out on my own and created what I wanted to create, especially when those other people suddenly decided they didn’t want me to be involved in things to the same extent I originally was.

Those people let me down and yet, I continue to support them. Those people say nasty things about me when they think nobody else is looking. Well, people are looking and whether you like it or not, they have no good reasons to treat me badly, so they let me know what is said. And I don’t say anything, and I probably should, but I figure for the good of everyone, it’s better just to let them talk and try to show them by my actions that I am not the person they think I am.

I know this - I have done a lot of good things. I don’t talk trash behind peoples backs - if I am going to say something about you I say it to you. Maybe I should have done what everyone was urging me to do - create my own empire, make my own site, do my own thing, but that would have taken the focus away from what is really important, and it would have meant a lot of the work I have put into things would have to have been put into creating the empire, and realistically that would have been a waste of my time and energy.

People think I’m holding grudges, but I don’t. I’ve put the past behind me, well behind me - they are the ones with the chips on their shoulder and no real desire to remove them. I was told to build a bridge, and I did. And let’s face it, someone who said some very nasty things about me, and continues to do so from what I am told, recently I put a fair bit of effort in to doing something nice for them - for the good of the bigger picture.

People ask me why, when I was treated so badly by certain people, I continue to stick around. It’s a good question and one I find myself asking myself today. I have a little piece of paper on my desk. You might have seen it in the doll pictures. Maybe you can’t make out what it says, but it is the answer, and that is why it sits there on my desk, right in front of me, day after day.It’s entirely true. What it says is - sometimes taking the high road is no fun at all.

It hasn’t been fun. I’ll be honest with you. I don’t enjoy the way certain people treat me. But the good things that have come from me taking that high road are very worthwhile and one day, maybe, those people who have been so unpleasant will come around and see my actual actions instead of making sh*t up. They’ll look and see and maybe they will eventually think - damn, she did that, even while we were talking crap about her? Even when we kicked her in the teeth, and then kept kicking her in the teeth, over and over till most of her teeth were missing? What would I have done in her shoes? Would I have stuck around? Would I have stuck it out? No f*cking way. I’d have resigned publicly, made a huge fuss, gone off and made my own site, and split the community even further from what it already was.

Right now today, I am truly wondering if this has been worth it, when people won’t let go of the past, and they still seem to think kicking me in the teeth is a great idea. And maybe what I should do is exactly what *they* would have done in my place - resign publicly, cause a huge fuss, go off and make my own site, and split the community. But I can’t do that, not because I can’t go make my own site, I have in house technical support and my own server is finally back online etc, but because I believe the community is split enough already, and further fractures will only do more harm.

It’s time. People need to stop trying to hurt each other, and remember why they are involved in any of this at all.

Today I did go make my own site. It’s actually for all my stuff, because now my server is back online I’ve managed to get things into one place, and some kind of order. It’s got all my scambaiting audios there in one place, well a lot of them anyway. I’m going to get back into doing more of that stuff soon.