The choices we make..
Each day we face thousands of choices. It begins the moment we open our eyes in the morning - should we get up, or stay in bed a little longer. Of course those aren’t the only two choices involved the moment we open our eyes and those choices open to us can depend on things like - do we have a job or an appointment to go to, is there something we have made a commitment to that we have to get up for.
Sometimes I like to make choices based on what other people do. The other morning as I was driving to art class, it was pouring with rain. There’s a point on the road where you can turn off or go straight but still get to the same place. There was a truck in front of me, and I said - if the truck turns, I’ll go straight. If the truck goes straight, I turn.
Sometimes choices are forced on us. This week’s hump day hmmm asks - Have you kept a secret or have you lied, directly or by omission, about something big? - I guess in a way I have. But I don’t think I was just lying to you guys. I was lying to myself as well.
Both The Other Half and I already have one failed marriage each. My marriage was relatively painless - no children, no major emotional attachments due to the fact that my (now) ex husband was becoming increasingly addicted to a drug here in Australia we like to pretend is perfectly fine and dandy to use - Marijuana. The trouble is, that drug actually saps most of a person’s will to do pretty much anything. Having lived with a person who was very addicted to a drug you supposedly can’t get addicted to, and a drug that supposedly is harmless, I can tell you that’s a load of cow excrement.
When I woke up one morning about six months into our marriage to the sounds of the water bong, before 8am, I knew there was a serious problem brewing. I went to my husband’s father to ask for help. He did not think marijuana use was a problem, and he laughed me out of the room. He was the only person I thought could help. Nobody else had any real influence over my husband at all.. not even me. I was 22 years old and I had no idea how to fix it, and no idea how to get an idea to fix it.
The Other Half got married at the young age of 18, to an extremely manipulative woman. He was very young, and within a year they had a child. His wife developed severe post natal depression after giving birth - so bad that he had to quit his job to look after the baby. Most days she did not even get out of bed. He wanted to help her but he didn’t know how. He asked her what he could do to help and somehow she came up with the idea that he should have a vasectomy, so she could not have another child.
Why she didn’t decide to have a surgical procedure so SHE would not be able to have kids, why she suggested he should have it, I can’t really speculate on other than to say she is an evil person. Wanting to save his marriage and willing to do anything it took, he saw several doctors before one would agree to such a procedure on someone so young. Just three years later once she was back on her feet, she kicked him out.
So basically, what that means is my choice not to have children is largely inspired by *his* ex-wife. And I won’t lie to you now, when I think about it, I hate that fact. It’s tempting to demand he have the procedure reversed just so I can bear children out of spite towards her. After she left him, she got married to another man - one without a vasectomy, and of course she got pregnant and had another kid. So I’d rather pretend to myself like it’s my choice not to want children than be reminded of why I really can’t have them.
Call me cynical, but I’m 100% sure within myself that she did it solely for the money. She now has two ex-husbands paying her child support and who knows, by now she might even have fooled a third man into donating sperm - she does not allow either men to be a father to their children. She just takes their cash.
I was surprised to discover recently after commenting on a blog that to suggest adoption to an infertile person is quite an insult. I mean, first of all to consider it an insult is a choice too. Why are we women always so ready to take offense to things? You can choose to say ok, this person doesn’t see it from my point of view, let me explain that point of view and try and help them understand it. Or you can just say any one of these things from the “I can do it” cards -
- Today, no person, place, or thing can irritate or annoy me. I choose to be at peace.
- I cannot change another person. I let others be who they are, and I simply love who I am.
- It does not matter what other people say or do. What matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself.
I was a bit offended at the response to what I said, but then I let it go because it’s not within me to hold onto that kind of thing. What’s the point of getting all upset over stuff like this? I know I didn’t mean any offense by what I said. I’m saddened if they did take any offense, but there’s not much I can do about it.
To me, it’s like the next logical option. Well, you can’t have kids of your own but you want kids, so are you going to adopt? Foster? I was also flat out stunned to read one personal blog where the writer said they didn’t want to have a child that didn’t have a biological connection to them. To me, that is akin to saying “I want a pure bred puppy, I’m not accepting some mutt from the pound”. It actually made me see a little red.
Family is not just about DNA. Family is about being there for each other - it’s about showing up and doing the hard work, 24/7. In my situation adoption or fostering would be the *first* logical option actually, before trying to have the procedure reversed or trying other methods of having a biological child. We haven’t done it because I don’t want it badly enough. You have to want it otherwise you’ll never get through all the steps to get there. And if you’re infertile and you don’t think adoption is for you, for whatever reasons, I think you should go and read a few of the blogs where people have adopted kids. Those kids are the sunshine in their worlds.
I’ve never felt that urge to stamp my DNA on the planet, to leave someone here with my genetic codes. However I certainly have felt the urge to take a weapon and severely damage his ex because she took away my choice. Therefore I can understand how powerful such urges can be. 
I also spotted this interesting blog post yesterday from a potential Dad. I absolutely agree with the thought of having children frightens me however it is not just having kids that opens you up to being frightened. To love anyone, to care for anyone, leaves you in the position of praying no harm comes to those people. In fact to love anything leaves you in that position.
Would I be a quitter if I said to you guys now, I really am wanting to stop this commenting challenge? So far it’s not working out too well for me. I could just go and make pithy little comments which don’t have any kind of real meaning but that’s not me. I think I have to push myself to finish it but maybe I’ll just take a few days off.
