Comments on: Custody Battles Are A Special Version Of Hell..

By: River

River — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 08:43:00 +0000

I married very young (18) and we grew apart in the years after finally settling back in Adelaide. when we agreed to get divorced all the kids said well it’s about time. They had all known K had a girlfriend long before I did. I’d suspected but when I asked he’d always said no, there wasn’t anyone. I’m very trusting and can’t tell when people are lying to me . I finally met this non-existent girlfriend at our daughter’s engagement party and she was 7 months pregnant!!. That’s when our divorce was only 4 months old. The kids and I discussed asking for child support for the youngest and they convinced me that it wouldn’t be worth all the fighting that would ensue and we could manage without so that’s what we did. K was told he could visit with the kids anytime he wanted especially the youngest boy who loved his father. He almost never came around and the boy was devastated to the point he began skipping school. When I finally found out about this, I arranged a meeting with the school counsellor and we decide he should leave school. 12 years later we still never see K although my oldest keeps in touch as his daughter is close in age to her own son.

By: Snoskred

Snoskred — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 04:26:00 +0000

Ian – I completely agree.

Hari – I think there is a decline in family traditions all over the world and I am not sure what the cause is. However, staying together for the children is never a good idea, I think. I just think people should be less inclined to have kids at a young age because when you’re young you really don’t know yourself yet, let alone know someone else.

Jen – Me too. It’s no fun to be on the receiving end of it, I can tell you.

Emily – That’s a difficult one, the not feeling lucky to be alive. In fact I think she might end up feeling what plane crash survivors feel – survivor guilt.

Aurelius – yes, I agree, that ties in with not having kids until you’re older I think.

Chani – People change as they grow older. What someone wants at age 20 is not what they want at age 30. If two people are committed to staying together they have to truly be very committed to not growing apart from each other, and changing their wants and needs together instead of on their own.

What happens instead a lot of the time, is people stay together but go their separate ways mentally. Then someone has an affair because they meet someone more mentally where they are at.

I’ll have a think about inspirational Australians. a future post..

Joh – I am also divorced, but without any kids. I have not heard from my ex in about 7 years. What makes it difficult for people with kids is they have to be in contact. It would be a lot easier if they could just burn their bridges and walk away. So divorced people with kids have to do that mentally, I think.

Simon – thanks for commenting for the first time and I hope it’s the first of many! I saw your blog, looks great, I thought about using that theme myself..

Liv – I think maturity has a lot to do with it in many cases but every situation is different. So many people get together young when they don’t know who they really are yet.

I do also think people can snap, too – and I agree there is a lot of undiagnosed mental illness – a lot of Narcissistic Personality Disorder especially in the worst cases I think. My sister would almost fit the description of someone suffering from NPD.

AlyndaBear – Yeah, it is really sad. It’s difficult to watch people you love go through it, too. Especially when they act in ways you don’t approve of. ;(

Thomas – Absolutely! Amen to – I propose a better model for them, is that you as a person stand up for yourself, and say I am worth enough to have a happy life.

Thanks for the comments all!
Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org

By: Thomas

Thomas — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 22:39:00 +0000

I appreciate your candid post, that was cool.

I am fortunate enough to have not been divorced, but I can understand how it would be tough to deal with the kids. Here is a small constant reminder of the problems you had with your ex. In no way do I think this excuses any harm or abuse to the children.

I am not sure if I agree with some of the commentors mentioning 'stay together for the children.' Kids know when things are right, and they aren't fooled. I propose a better model for them, is that you as a person stand up for yourself, and say I am worth enough to have a happy life. This relationship is no longer good and healthy and I am willing to end it. This also needs to be followed up with talks with the kids at the appropriate level so they understand the situation, and then demonstrate through words and deeds how much both parents love them, even though the are no longer together. This needs to be followed through by both parents.

I understand that this is kind of a niave perception, but it is what I hope.

By: alyndabear

alyndabear — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 02:02:00 +0000

It’s so sad, isn’t it? I feel so much for the kids that are involved in any family dispute, because there really is nothing they can do about it.

Happy delurking day, even though I’m not a lurker anyway.

By: liv

liv — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:51:00 +0000

My mind is being stretched and perplexed by a lot of the comments. Re: staying together "for the children": it would seem based on what I've seen that this is terrible. To live in a prison of hate and pain just so you could paint a picture of domestic respectability is IMO ridiculous.

I also don't know how much I believe maturity has to do with the way adults behave following divorce. I believe that people can "snap" and do things that they never would have done under other circumstances. I see a lot of mental illness gone undiagnosed as a key reason for divorce.

Regardless of all of our ponderings, children must be protected. They must have their own space to feel what they feel about divorce and transition safely. Naturally, their process is complicated by the fact that they people who they are counting on to comfort them are doubtless, hurting a lot too.

By: simon

simon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:10:00 +0000

i can feel for that, been there with my parents many years ago, it ugly and not nice for me or my sister

By: Joh

Joh — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:30:00 +0000

I am divorced. It is such a hard thing to be without your kids!Even when they go for weekend visits it hurts.
My ex and I have inflicted and suffered a lot of pain since we parted over 10 years ago. I think most people have honest and good intentions not to hurt their kids, but they are hurt anyway, cause their parents aren’t together. No kid wants that. We are managing well now, civil and caring even towards each other. The kids as 17 and 18 year olds can even see it would have been hell if we’d stayed together. This present reality is great, but I remember there was a lot of pain for each of us, as well as my exes partner at times.
I think that those people who go to such extremes in inflicting pain, really are not sane. As a co-worker or neighbour, friend, relative, we should all look out for people who are going through family breakdown as the pain can send you insane, especially if you’re on your own.

By: thailandchani

thailandchani — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 13:27:00 +0000

This is such a complicated subject.. I’m largely in agreement with the commenter from India. There’s something to be said for compromise and commitment. Marriage shouldn’t be based on gushy feelings but true compatibility.

And it’s horribly unfortunate when two basically immature people use their kids as power tools against each other.

So.. on a peripheral topic, are there some Australians you find inspirational?

Peace,

~Chani
http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

By: Aurelius

Aurelius — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:57:00 +0000

Having done time in the Child Support Agency, I long ago developed the opinion that it’s all caused by nothing other than immaturity on the part of all parties.

By: Emily

Emily — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:47:00 +0000

I agree with everything you said, except I am not sure that mother feels very lucky to be alive after what happened.

I have linked from today’s post. Can you please link to mine so people know where the rest of the posts are today? Things are all a little topsy turvey with Julie laying low…