The choices we make..
Each day we face thousands of choices. It begins the moment we open our eyes in the morning - should we get up, or stay in bed a little longer. Of course those aren’t the only two choices involved the moment we open our eyes and those choices open to us can depend on things like - do we have a job or an appointment to go to, is there something we have made a commitment to that we have to get up for.
Sometimes I like to make choices based on what other people do. The other morning as I was driving to art class, it was pouring with rain. There’s a point on the road where you can turn off or go straight but still get to the same place. There was a truck in front of me, and I said - if the truck turns, I’ll go straight. If the truck goes straight, I turn.
Sometimes choices are forced on us. This week’s hump day hmmm asks - Have you kept a secret or have you lied, directly or by omission, about something big? - I guess in a way I have. But I don’t think I was just lying to you guys. I was lying to myself as well.
Both The Other Half and I already have one failed marriage each. My marriage was relatively painless - no children, no major emotional attachments due to the fact that my (now) ex husband was becoming increasingly addicted to a drug here in Australia we like to pretend is perfectly fine and dandy to use - Marijuana. The trouble is, that drug actually saps most of a person’s will to do pretty much anything. Having lived with a person who was very addicted to a drug you supposedly can’t get addicted to, and a drug that supposedly is harmless, I can tell you that’s a load of cow excrement.
When I woke up one morning about six months into our marriage to the sounds of the water bong, before 8am, I knew there was a serious problem brewing. I went to my husband’s father to ask for help. He did not think marijuana use was a problem, and he laughed me out of the room. He was the only person I thought could help. Nobody else had any real influence over my husband at all.. not even me. I was 22 years old and I had no idea how to fix it, and no idea how to get an idea to fix it.
The Other Half got married at the young age of 18, to an extremely manipulative woman. He was very young, and within a year they had a child. His wife developed severe post natal depression after giving birth - so bad that he had to quit his job to look after the baby. Most days she did not even get out of bed. He wanted to help her but he didn’t know how. He asked her what he could do to help and somehow she came up with the idea that he should have a vasectomy, so she could not have another child.
Why she didn’t decide to have a surgical procedure so SHE would not be able to have kids, why she suggested he should have it, I can’t really speculate on other than to say she is an evil person. Wanting to save his marriage and willing to do anything it took, he saw several doctors before one would agree to such a procedure on someone so young. Just three years later once she was back on her feet, she kicked him out.
So basically, what that means is my choice not to have children is largely inspired by *his* ex-wife. And I won’t lie to you now, when I think about it, I hate that fact. It’s tempting to demand he have the procedure reversed just so I can bear children out of spite towards her. After she left him, she got married to another man - one without a vasectomy, and of course she got pregnant and had another kid. So I’d rather pretend to myself like it’s my choice not to want children than be reminded of why I really can’t have them.
Call me cynical, but I’m 100% sure within myself that she did it solely for the money. She now has two ex-husbands paying her child support and who knows, by now she might even have fooled a third man into donating sperm - she does not allow either men to be a father to their children. She just takes their cash.
I was surprised to discover recently after commenting on a blog that to suggest adoption to an infertile person is quite an insult. I mean, first of all to consider it an insult is a choice too. Why are we women always so ready to take offense to things? You can choose to say ok, this person doesn’t see it from my point of view, let me explain that point of view and try and help them understand it. Or you can just say any one of these things from the “I can do it” cards -
- Today, no person, place, or thing can irritate or annoy me. I choose to be at peace.
- I cannot change another person. I let others be who they are, and I simply love who I am.
- It does not matter what other people say or do. What matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself.
I was a bit offended at the response to what I said, but then I let it go because it’s not within me to hold onto that kind of thing. What’s the point of getting all upset over stuff like this? I know I didn’t mean any offense by what I said. I’m saddened if they did take any offense, but there’s not much I can do about it.
To me, it’s like the next logical option. Well, you can’t have kids of your own but you want kids, so are you going to adopt? Foster? I was also flat out stunned to read one personal blog where the writer said they didn’t want to have a child that didn’t have a biological connection to them. To me, that is akin to saying “I want a pure bred puppy, I’m not accepting some mutt from the pound”. It actually made me see a little red.
Family is not just about DNA. Family is about being there for each other - it’s about showing up and doing the hard work, 24/7. In my situation adoption or fostering would be the *first* logical option actually, before trying to have the procedure reversed or trying other methods of having a biological child. We haven’t done it because I don’t want it badly enough. You have to want it otherwise you’ll never get through all the steps to get there. And if you’re infertile and you don’t think adoption is for you, for whatever reasons, I think you should go and read a few of the blogs where people have adopted kids. Those kids are the sunshine in their worlds.
I’ve never felt that urge to stamp my DNA on the planet, to leave someone here with my genetic codes. However I certainly have felt the urge to take a weapon and severely damage his ex because she took away my choice. Therefore I can understand how powerful such urges can be. 
I also spotted this interesting blog post yesterday from a potential Dad. I absolutely agree with the thought of having children frightens me however it is not just having kids that opens you up to being frightened. To love anyone, to care for anyone, leaves you in the position of praying no harm comes to those people. In fact to love anything leaves you in that position.
Would I be a quitter if I said to you guys now, I really am wanting to stop this commenting challenge? So far it’s not working out too well for me. I could just go and make pithy little comments which don’t have any kind of real meaning but that’s not me. I think I have to push myself to finish it but maybe I’ll just take a few days off.
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You’ve touched upon a variety of topics and I’m agreeing with your points on them all.
Yes, marijuana is addicting.
No, I don’t understand why adoption would not be an option for an infertile couple. It’s a good choice for everyone involved, in my opinion.
Those “I can do it” thoughts are helpful. I was feeling that perhaps I have been a little “off target” with my comments and it was bugging me. I let too much get under my skin.
This is an interesting topic with many angles. A bird flaps its wings in Seattle and it rains in Bangkok. That is how choices go… One choice affects another and another and another.
Your significant other (hate that term really.. but without something else to call him
made the best choice he could at the time he made it. I’m sure he believes it was the right choice.
His ex was young and self-centered. Most people that age are.
I couldn’t agree more that adoption is a great option. All those children who need good homes….
As for the commenting challenge, as you call it, I think that if it is something you don’t want to do, don’t do it.
You chose one way.. and you are free to choose another.
Just the nature of choice.
Peace,
~Chani
What a post. I first would sort of state that I think calling a previous marriage a failure is a bit negative. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, but doing something for a decade doesn’t feel like failing to me. It’s longer than I’ve done anything else and it’s not my fault that it’s over. The marriage died. It’s a pretty heavy trip to put on yourself to refer to it as a failure forever.
re: adoption, I think it’s a marvelous choice. I also think I’m happy that I could pop a cocktail of pills and have two successful singleton pregnancies.
re: the vasectomy. It’s a choice to believe that some woman took away your choice to reproduce with your partner. He chose to have the procedure (for better or for worse) and you both are living with the consequences. If you were dying to reproduce with this man, I’m sure the short reversal procedure would be worth every penny and pain.
Really, it’s sort of like you said. It’s all about positioning your thinking in a way that lets you breathe and live richly.
-om shanti-
If the commenting challenge is getting hard or pushing you too much, don’t do it. It is ok to change our minds are choose a different path.
I too think adoption is a great choice, but have also had infertile coupel get a little po’ed at me for inquiring about that option. i don;t even ask anymore.
I really liked your post today, Snoskred. I learned a little bit more about you. .
Christine - yeah that makes sense, because I’m feeling a bit like I’m naked today. It was one of those times where you post something and then think you’ve crossed that personal line. I don’t normally blog about this kind of thing. In fact I think each week I’ve done the hump day hmm I have felt more exposed than usual. I think it’s a good thing in some ways.
Liv, I’m really glad you said that, about it not being a failure. I’m not sure what other word to use but I’ll thesaurus it.
Also about it being a choice to think someone else took it away from me. We could have it reversed but I don’t think we would - my own opinion on it now is I would rather adopt or foster than have a child biologically ours. I’ve seen so many examples of people truly being blessed by those choices now.
Chani - I think I have to finish it or else I won’t be happy with myself. However I do think a little break is a good idea.
sober briquette - I used to be like that, let things get under my skin, but then I chose change.
What I might do is start using whatever “I can do it” thing I’ve picked out for the day at the bottom of each post. 
Thanks for the comments ya’all. Lunch is ready, got to run!
“to consider it an insult is a choice too”
Such a profound concept in such a short phrase. How we take someone’s words is about us, not about them.
I cannot speak for other people who have had fertility issues, but I can speak for myself. I am not offended when people suggest adoption, but it does give me a twinge. It felt somehow wrong to do fertility treatment when there were plenty of kids out there I could love just as well. My husband wanted biological kids, and it was cheaper to do fertility treatment b/c insurance covered it. But I wonder if people getting offended over adoption suggestions are actually feeling a bit guilty…?
I’m sorry, but I think your husband’s ex-wife is a total…
I’m trying not to use that kind of language.
A few ideas might be:
short lived success?
or just stick with 1st marriage, starter marriage, or previous incarnation.
after all, we have to let what’s done be done. I think if/when you decide to bring a child home it will be with the purest intention. That really speaks to me.
Because I am incapable of brevity (LOL) I not only understand, but use it as my reason why I am *just now* commenting.
Okay wow. This post opened up a can of worms for me. Have not even blogged about it yet.
The “why don’t you just adopt?” question to an infertile couple. Yeah. I wanted to skewer people who asked that.
Why?
It oversimplifies the issue. Infertility is a very gradual process. So is adoption. Both are complex, emotionally and in process. Yes OF COURSE family is more than DNA, but infertility doesn’t feel logical and it depends where you are just then whether “logical option/solution” and “it’s not just DNA” is what you want to hear. It doesn’t mean you reject the notion; it’s just…wow, so hard to explain.
I will blog in more depth about this sometime.
If you feel that level of anger towards the ex and how it removed a choice for you, then I am sure you can understand how infertility takes away choices for us, and how that makes us feel.
We have been waffling about a third child.
But due to a health condition/situation that I am undergoing Diagnostic Hell for right now, my choice, once again, is removed. Due to this situation and my “advanced maternal age” the doctor “strongly urges that we accept we are finished.”
Damn it. What a wave of despair just to write that. It’s got nothing at all to do with the fact that I have two beautiful children now, but that is the saving grace.
Some days when I hear people talking about “right to choose” it’s got nothing to do with me and I know it’s a concept. Other days it has nothing to do with me and I burn at that knowledge.
Focusing this on choices and one that has been removed from you and your man…is truly a thought-provoking angle.
Yes, choices.
I don’t think we choose how we feel. Feel is a reaction. We do get to choose what we do next and how we continue to go on.
Both of you sound like you’ve got exes that created trying times for you. That stinks.
As for your blog challenge…as you need.